The Introvert Quiet Confidence Manifesto

I spent my younger years in my career feeling like something was wrong with me. I was quiet. I didn't speak up much. I didn't say hello to people in the hall. I did not have a resting smiling face. I hated raising my hand in class and speaking up in meetings. I hated public speaking. I hated happy hours and conferences. I did not socialize outside of work if possible. Wow, I sounded like a loser, didn’t I? But that is how many introverts feel. Why can't I be like everyone else? Normal, wanting to talk to other people, wanting to go to the corporate party, and wanting to collaborate on group projects. I just preferred working on my own. I did not look like the leaders above me. How could I be a leader as an introvert?

Fast forward 12 years later, I am a Vice President in a large financial services company, leading a team of 65, launching multiple product firsts, great employee satisfaction ratings, mentoring high potential employees. How did I go from "zero to hero"?

Well, I did not start out as a "zero". I started out as an introvert. People did not see the real me. Actually, people barely even saw me at all. Thankfully I stayed an introvert, but I finally figured out how to leverage my strengths instead of fighting to pretend to be something I was not, an extrovert. I gave myself grace that I was not like other leaders - I did not have charisma. I still was uncomfortable speaking in front of large audiences. I did not know everyone at work. But I focused on my strengths of analytical thinking and problem solving, keen observation, and empathy for employees and customers. And I protected my quiet time. I was able to develop new products by asking curious questions, not by knowing all the answers. I was successful because I had a great team around me, not because I was a lone wolf. I was happy not because I "pretended to be a leader", but I brought my whole authentic self to work. So how can other introverts do this?

The Myth of Introverts

Let's first get rid of the negative perceptions of introversion. Half the world's population is introverted; many people hide it as it does not seem to be something to be proud of, at least in the American culture. How can we think so poorly of half the population?

Let me give you an example. The Big Five is a personality assessment that is one of the major ways to assess introversion vs extroversion. As we all know, there is a continuum from introversion to extroversion. No one is completely introverted or extroverted; we all have a mix of preferences. But people clearly can lean to one side of the scale or the other. The first indication of the bias against introverts is that the scale is a measure of EXTROVERSION. Introversion is defined by the lack of extroversion, e.g. a failed extrovert.

The second challenge for introverts is the six attributes of extroversion and the definition of the opposite of them for the low scoring introverts:

• Friendliness - and the low scoring introverted description is "distant or reserved"

• Gregariousness - and the low scoring introverted description is "socially withdrawn"

• Assertiveness - and the low scoring introverted description is "not talking much and letting others control the activities of groups"

• Activity Level - and the low scoring introverted description is "slower, more leisurely, relaxed pace"

• Excitement-seeking - and the low scoring introverted description is "overwhelmed by noise and commotion and adverse to thrill-seeking"

• Cheerfulness - and the low scoring introverted description is "not prone to such energetic, high spirits"

Do you want to be described as "distant, socially withdrawn, letting others control, slower, overwhelmed, not prone to high spirits" person? Would you want to hire someone of that description? Or would you rather hire a “friendly, gregarious, assertive, energetic, risk-taking, cheerful” person as would describe an extrovert? You see the problem with the "standard" measurement for introversion and the misconceived perceptions of what introverts are.

And when society is telling us about these negative stereotypes or introverts, we tell ourselves that there is something wrong with us. We feel the need to change and be the more gregarious, energetic extroverts.

WRONG!

It is time to stand up and change the story of introverts. We can do that by changing a negative perception and reframing it into a strength. And the beauty of this is these strengths are backed by neuroscience, the science of how our brains work. (You would expect nothing less from an analytical introverted mind to bring the science details as to why introverts are different).

The Neuroscience of Introversion: Four Hidden Strengths

1. Deep-Thinking Advantage

As an introvert, have you ever been in a meeting discussing a topic and it feels like your brain is slow. Everyone else throwing out ideas but your brain doesn't think of an idea until after the meeting. That has happened to me countless times. How frustrating! I beat myself up "why can't my mind think faster?"

There is a biological reason for this. Introverts have a thicker prefrontal cortex, the tissue for deep thought and decision-making, than extroverts. They have more neurons in the gray matter and more white matter which is connections between neurons. Extroverts on the other hand, have a thinner prefrontal cortex so their brains process information more quickly, less deeply and act more impulsively compared to introverted brains.

So let’s change the perception that "Introverts are slow thinkers" to “Introverts have a deep-thinking advantage”. Can you imagine the power of all the introverted thinking if it got out into the world and the impact it would have? Introverts – we have value to add if we just speak up. And I have learned to do that in the moment with practice and learned other tools like following up by email or scheduling 1:1 meetings to counteract the time it takes for my deep thinking.

2. The Observer’s Edge

Yes, introverts are more introspective. They do more thinking than extroverts as not only do they have thicker prefrontal cortexes, but they also have more blood flow to prefrontal cortex. This indicates that there is more active thinking or taking in observations than extroverts.

This internal thinking is not just ruminating about ourselves or our problems. But the introverted brain takes in a lot more data from observing the outside world. Introverts are keen observers.

In that meeting where I as an introvert am so quiet, I am observing the dynamics of the room. I can observe body language and hear tone to assess who likes an idea or not without them even saying it. I had a highly extroverted boss once and when we went to a meeting, she would speak most of the time, but I would be observing the minute movements of everyone's facial expressions. I walked out with insight into what everyone thought and she totally missed it as she was talking the whole time.

Let’s change the view that "Introverts dwell only on the inside and have nothing to say" to  “Introverts have the observer’s advantage.” A quiet introvert does not mean they are not thinking. There is a lot going on in the introverted mind from internal analysis to observing the outside world. An introvert is a wealth of knowledge if you take a moment to ask them.

3. The Energy Management Imperative

When I ask people if they are introverted, they say, “No, I have friends.” There is a defensiveness that introversion means you can't have friends and that you are not social. All but those with an extreme anti-social disorder have the ability to build relationships and socialize with others. The difference with the introvert is that the introvert's energy gets depleted with too much social engagement.  So, an introvert needs to replenish their energy. Why is this?

The introvert brain is more sensitive to dopamine, a neurotransmitter connected to rewards. Too much can cause introverts to feel overstimulated and the need to reduce the stimulation to reenergize. Extrovert brains, on the other hand, have a lower sensitivity to dopamine, so they require a lot more of it. They get more dopamine by interacting with others and taking action on the spot. They generally act/speak more quickly than introverts. They are more driven by socializing with others than introverts. So subsequently, in comparison, introverts look like loners.

Another fact is that introverts have a higher base level of activation in their brains than extroverts do. So it is easier for them to get overstimulated in social or noisy situations than extroverts. And add on the pretending to be an extrovert, work can be exhausting.

There is a solution. Introverts can be aware of their energy patterns and what is overstimulating or not. And then we can plan our days to balance the overstimulation with energy-generating "activities" or just solitude.

They can also direct “chit-chatty” conversations to topics they care about.  Don't get caught talking about the weather - unless that really interests you. Meaningless conversations are even more draining to an introvert.

Let’s change the view that "Introverts are not social" to “Introverts can be social and need to strategically manage their energy.” Self-awareness and self-advocacy is critical for introverts to manage your energy as you will never be an extrovert (nor do you want to).

4. The Power of Quiet

Building on the myth that introverts can't be social, people also can think introverts can be party poopers. They may be more risk adverse and needing their quiet time to re-energize. So it is more likely they will turn down offers to go for drinks after work or will likely want to leave a party before it ends. This feeling is biological. It is a preference driven by their brain chemistry.

Just as the extroverted brain is tied more to Dopamine, the neurotransmitter of rewards, the introvert brain is tied more to Acetylcholine. Acetylcholine is a neurotransmitter that is connected to increased attention, staying calm, energy conservation, memory and sense of well-being. Acetylcholine makes you feel good when thinking or being quiet. Introverts feel more rewarded by quiet time (whereas extroverts are rewarded by socializing). So of course, an introvert is likely to seek out more quiet time.

Quiet time is needed for all brains to come up with new ideas, make new connections in ideas, reenergize to better perform, reduce stress and more. And introverts are designed to reap the benefits of quiet, if they allow themselves the luxury from the constant “together is better” culture. Extroverts can learn from introverts how to harness quiet time so they can be their best.

I had an introverted coaching client who would be stressed out getting a text from their friends, “What are you doing this weekend?”  She was expecting their next response, the dreaded “let’s get together.” She usually did not have plans as she relished her alone time. But it was hard to say no to her friends. We worked on words she could say and more importantly confidence to stand up for what she wanted for her weekend to protect her time. And those texts are not so dreaded anymore.

Let’s change the perception that "Introverts are party poopers" to “Introverts relish and harness the power of quiet.” Introverts - Give yourself grace if you want to say no to a party or want to leave early. All you extroverts give the introvert a break when they want to find quiet time after social engagements or if they decline your invite when they have "nothing" to do. Reading a book, sitting and thinking alone, chilling out is not "nothing"; it is reenergizing for an introvert. And that quiet time could help you too.

Building your Quiet Confidence System

Think about things you can do to embrace your strengths and use them to your advantage.

1.      Embrace Deep Processing

• Follow up via email or 1:1 meetings with ideas that come to you after the meeting.

• Sleep on it – allowing the brain to fully sort through ideas before you respond.

• Get comfortable with saying, “I’ll get back to you” and know you will give your best response with some time to process.

  
  

2.      Leverage Observational Intelligence

• Trust your instincts and observations.

• Share your observations with others as they likely don’t see what you see.

3.      Master Energy Management

• Manage your day and week to give yourself time to breath and don’t overschedule.

• Block recovery time after energy-draining events.

• Say no to energy-draining events that are not important to you.

4.      Harness Quiet Time

• Schedule quiet or thinking time in your day.

• Protect your quiet time unapologetically.

Introverts are not failed extroverts. Introverts: stop spending your energy to try to be something you never will be. Be proud of your introversion. Your brain is different, and it is normal. Half the world is like you even if you don't realize it. The story behind introversion needs to change from negative to the power of introverts. Introverts have unique strengths that bring value to the world. We do need to adjust our behaviors to ensure our voice is being heard. But the best part is we introverts can keep being who we are. We don't need to change who we are; we can just change some behaviors. Use your strengths as an introvert generated by your unique brain make-up:

1.      Deep-Thinking Advantage

2.      The Observer’s Edge

3.      The Energy Management Imperative

4.      The Power of Quiet

Let’s change the narrative about introverts by being confident and showing your strengths, not hiding them. There is a model for quiet confidence to be the leaders we want to be.

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Thank you for reading this. I am writing a book (for the first time!) and this is a precursor article. Please comment here or email me (Jennifer at MarcouCoaching.com):

- What do you like?

- What do you agree with?

- What do you connect with?

- What don’t you like?

- What do you disagree with?

- What does not resonate with you?

- Does this feel like a book you might read? If so, what else would you want included?

- What would you like to hear next?

Introverts and extroverts are welcome to comment, but please note if you are an introvert or not.

Thanks in advance for your feedback.